Saw this in the newspaper today…
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance…
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
I got 48,500 matches.
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
It's pasteurized before you even see it!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.''What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter . My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase .. . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.
I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us. Edit: can someone explain all the letters?
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
I told my wife, “I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn’t feel as good anymore”
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
Can you help me with a project answering this poll with your age? https://ift.tt/2veVDKO – 12 to 17 https://ift.tt/2SwdhSb – 18 to 24 https://ift.tt/2UBOOxu – 25 to 34 https://ift.tt/2SwdiWf – 35+
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
I don't know how they can sleep at night!
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
Icey dead people
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do