Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
He tells the bartender “ZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says “Yes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says “Why did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, “Sometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
He tells the bartender one beer please and one for the road
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
The high C.
The second time let me down
But I don't even have a drivers licence
A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?” The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach."
but he's still making fun of me.
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
Their careers were in ruins.
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
But her aim is steadily improving.
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
So they can Scan da Navy in
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
But coccaine is where I draw the line
For example, airport security.
And I’ll name the other DupliKate.
It had no reaction.
Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me! Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!
His blood tested positive for Coke.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
He’ll be born in February.
Stupid question, even a child knows that.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’