Saw this on facebook.
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
But none of them work
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
We haven't got a gig yet.
I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.
The times are rough
I nailed it.
Husband: Your chin.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
No text found
But that was Ear-Elephant.
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
There would be six feet between us.
Because they have snow-caps!
It's impossible to put down.
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
They take everything literally
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
They've been vaccinated. We know this because: •They're over three years old •They're retarded.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"