Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
Must be some kind of milestone…
At a second hand store.
When it's fully groan.
I call it James.
On my desk, I have a work station.
"Make me one with everything."
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
No text found
He's known as "the Fender bender".
A photon checks into a hotel. – Do you need help with your luggage, sir? – No, i'm travelling light.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
I said "It's growing on me."
I read it on an Instagram post.
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
But when I got home, all the signs were there
A vicious circle.
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted
But I partied like it was $19.99
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
"I'm breathing underwater." I've never been prouder.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
He will be rolling in his grave.
A plant-based beef. P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take