Saw this on Twitter today
Mess up the formatting
How do you ruin a joke?
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Trump," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out onto the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
What did the farmer do for his pig that had awful body odor?
He rubbed Oink-mint on it.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said โdaddy look itโs sharpโ
I replied with โthatโs the pointโ
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: โSuuuuureee YOU can!โ
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It’s a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says, โPierre, kiss me!โ
So, Pierre grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie`s lips. โWhat are you doing, Pierre?โ shrieks Marie. โWell, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!โ His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says, โPierre, kiss me lower.โ Pierre rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. โPierre, what are you doing?โ โMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!โ They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, โPierre, kiss me lower.โ Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, โPIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?โ โMy name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!โ
Therapists only want one thing
and it's fucking discussing.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Yโall are weird.
Yโall are weird.
My son and I were going through the alphabet together.
I said โson, what is A for?โ โApple!โ โThatโs right! What is B for?โ โBanana!โ Thatโs right! What is C for?โ โExplosive!โ
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doc: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you! Woman: Oh god no, not my brother. He is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doc: Denise. Woman: Well, that is not so bad. What did he call the boy? Doc: Denephew.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
What do you call Hitler speeding?
The Fast and the Fuherous.
Postal service jokes don’t need much setup
It's all in the delivery
Two cannibals were eating an entitled kid
One says to the other," Does this taste a bit spoiled?"
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bedโฆ
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
Why do dogs float in water?
Because theyโre good buoys
If the Queen of England farts during dinner, the rest of the guests must pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction.
I farted in Burger King
It was an absolute whopper
Why did the sculpter evacuate his house?
He had a mold problem
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that theyโre seeing it again.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If itโs a girl: girl ant. If itโs a boy …
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.