Saw this seafood restaurant while on vacation. Don’t think the owner thought the name through.
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline
Jerry can
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
I drew a 90° angle perfectly yesterday.
Looks like I finally did something right.
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
An Aussie walks up to a fruit stand.
"Mind if I give the melons a squeeze?" he asks. "Go right ahead!" the fruit lady replies, handing him one. He gives it a good few squeezes, more than necessary. A bit impatient, the fruit lady assures him: "That's ripe!" "No, it's not!" the Aussie replies, dropping the melon in disgust. "You gave me consent!"
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
2 guys were eating breakfast together
"Do you want some of my bacon?" "No thanks I'm Jewish" "Don't worry it's free"
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
If a is for Apple and b is for banana….what is c for?
Plastic explosives
A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.
100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up. “I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.” And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up. “I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!” The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.” With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down. It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself. And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was laughing loudly now. “I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.” He started rolling on the floor as he laughed. “I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.” The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder. “I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.” Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious. “Why were you laughing all this time sir?” “I wish they were all ugly again.”
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
three times…
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
Why did the coffee go to the police
Because it got mugged
I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank
I have no words for how angry I am.
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
My friend said, “I’ll never buy from a store that assigns genders to kids’ beds!”
I said, “Boycott?” Him: That’s what I mean.
Hey, did you hear the one about butter?
… nah, I shouldn’t spread it around
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
