Saw this while on vacation a couple weeks ago
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
No text found
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
I made a chemistry joke yesterday in class
It had no reaction.
Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
A Scottish man walks into a bar..
.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
Man on a deserted island (Long)
A man has been stranded on an island for 10 years, when one day, a beautiful woman emerges out of the sea in a wetsuit. "How long has it been since you've had a beer?" she asks. "10 years" says the man. She unzips one of her pockets to reveal a bottle of beer. He drinks it and says "Man, that's good!" She than asks "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "10 years!" says the man. She unzips her other pocket and ands him a cigarette. He lights it and smokes it. She then starts unzipping the main zipper of her wetsuit saying "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" to which the man replies "Woah! Don't tell me you have a jet ski in there!"
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller
“I want to open a fucking checking account.” The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $500 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, Sir?”
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
My dog is really good at playing fetch
I think I’m going to promote him to branch manager
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Why does Santa has such a big sack?
Because he only comes once a year
$10
So a guy walks into a brothel. He only has $10 in his wallet, but he's truly desperate, so he asks the madam what he can get for it. She says "nothing. Try your luck in the streets or come back with some money." He says "please, I'm so desperate. Isn't there anything you can do for me?" Reluctantly, she says "well, we have a chicken. I suppose for $10 you can do what you can with that." The guy's unsure, but he hands it over and goes for it. Surprisingly, the chicken feels pretty good. He gets off and goes home. Next week, he goes back to the brothel with $10 and says "hey, can I see that chicken again?" The madam says, "I'm sorry, sir, the chicken passed away. But we do have a show tonight. Admission is just ten dollars." He agrees and squeezes into the auditorium. Two beautiful women are licking each other all over. He nudges the guy next to him and says "hey, this is pretty good!" The other guy says "you should have been here last week. They had a guy fucking a chicken!"
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
How many Germans do you need to change a light bulb?
One. They are efficient but not funny.
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her “You have the right to remain silent” he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. “Why, you see, I’m just happy to finally have a right!”
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.