Say no more
Hagrid cremates Harry Potter and throws his ashes into a snowstorm
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
We should have known communism wouldn’t work
There were so many red flags.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Crying should give you better skin.
Because when you cry, you moist your eyes.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised…
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
Why is the goalkeeper richer than all the other players
He’s good at saving
Accidentally glued myself to my autobiography this morning
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?
Kristen: Sure! Christen: thank you Kris: Anytime
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
How do you make chocolate milk?
By shredding brown crayon and putting it in a blender with milk!
If i had $1 for every girl that didn’t find me attractive..
.. they would eventually find me attractive
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day
She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10" I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crêpes.
My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now she’s a medium.
Yoghurt
On the bus today, I tapped the woman in front of me on the shoulder, and said, "Excuse me, but there's some semen on your sweater." She said, "Oh, it's probably just yogurt…" I replied, "Maybe, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
drug-sniffing dog
Me: "Sweet dog you got there" Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog." Me: "Still in training, huh?" Policeman: "What do you mean?" Me: "Nevermind"
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A centipede!
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck