Say “Rise up lights” out loud.
Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.
How does an octopus go into battle?
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
I’m bald and im going to get a head tattoo of multiple rabbits
So from a distance it looks like hares
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
I used to feel like a man who was trapped in a woman’s body.
Then I was born.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who? Me: Yes, they were good too.
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A math teacher was arrested today
In his home was a protractor, a calculator, and ruler. He was arrested for carrying weapons of math instruction.
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
No One Will Ever Know
“The civil war wasn’t about slavery, it was about states rights!”
Saw this hanging in my school
In a magazine on the train
It’s a Vax22
Some marital jokes should never be told.
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
A fisherman walks into r/jokes…
A fisherman walks into r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade– if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, old pirate of a man accepts. After all, he is a moderator of r/jokes, so he has become very accustomed to not laughing. The fisherman begins his tale. "Years ago, I set out on a whaling expedition, when a fellow sailor told me about the mystical golden fishing rod." "Let me stop you right there" says the bartender. I can see where this is going. Golden rod. This is a sex joke. I've heard it before." "No. It's not a sex joke" says the fisherman. The bartender, fascinated, realizes that this may actually be OC. The fisherman continues his tale. "There once was a mystical golden fishing rod that was said to be so powerful that anyone using it could catch any fish." "Wait a minute" says the bartender. "I think you're in the wrong place. This sounds like the tale of Darth Plagueis. You want r/prequelmemes down the street". "No. It's not a prequel meme" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "One day, a little boy found the rod and used it to catch a lion fish. Neptune, god of the sea appeared. He was furious because the lion fish was his best friend. In retaliation, Neptune broke the rod into pieces, separating the rod and the reel. The little boy said 'Now I am sad'. "Oh, come on!" said the bartender. "Hey, Sad. I'm neptune! You want r/dadjokes. Don't waste my time". "No. It's not a dadjoke" says the fisherman. The fisherman continues his tale. "The boy took the pieces home, but they never worked again. Eventually, the rod was sold at a flea market, and the reel became the subject of many jokes." The fisherman then asks "So, what did you think?" The bartender, confused, looks up. "What? That's it?" The fisherman nods. The bartender, now, is very confused. It's OC, sure, but it doesn't make any sense. He scratches his head and asks a question "What do you mean about the reel becoming the subject of many jokes?" The fisherman says "I can't answer that here". The bartender asks "Why not?" The fisherman replies "The reel joke is always in the comments"
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
Yup, I’m sure *that* is why Trump resonates with you.
Thank goodness we have “judge” Jeanine Pirro to help us with the legal language.
In 2016 everyone ignored this meme, but here we are
How can you tell when a joke is a ‘dad joke’?
When its apparent.
My eyes are sad
The girl with no arms and legs laying by the pool
There’s a girl with no arms and legs laying by a pool. She's tanning and enjoying herself when a handsome guy walks by and grabs her attention. She yells over to him and asks if he can help her with something. The guy feels bad for her so he walks over and asks her what she needs. She says, “Well you see…I’m a virgin, and you are a very good looking guy." The guy looks at her confused as to what she is hinting at. She continues, "I've never had sex before, and I've always wanted to get fucked." The guy responds, "Oh I see what you mean now." So he throws her in the pool and says, “Now you’re fucked.”
The truth can hurt
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Don’t laugh that’s your dad one day
Don’t let snowball reach thermal equilibrium.
My father always laughed at me when I got shocked playing with electricity
He’d laugh and say, “Son, you’re grounded.”
Wife talk bad
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
How do the doctors treat mesothelioma?
Asbestos they can!
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Bcuz ppl dnt use full wrds thru txt.
This guy is objectifying women
life as full stack
Harry Potter and the Order of The Teenagers
Big fan of the early work
Man walks into a tuxedo shop and the associate says “do you need any help?”
The man gruffly replies "no i think im fully capable of finding my own tux!" Associate says "fine. Suit yourself."
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
What did the blood cell say before it died in an artery?
I will not die in vein!
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
Found this in the woods today. It’s a DNS log.
Free delivery and discreet packaging! (NSFW)
The Trump Card
C’mon at least give it a not so suspicious name lmao
280 characters bad
Who the hell says this
What do cars and Scientology have in common?
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water, because the butane is lighter fluid.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens!
Son’s out guns out