Scarecrow
One day, little Bobby’s parents decided to have sex
So to get him out of the house they tell him to go to the balcony and count the number of red cars on the road, Bobby says sure and goes out. After they've finished having sex they call him inside and ask him " So how many red cars did you see?", Bobby says " I didn't see any red cars but I found out our neighbours Mr and Mrs Smith were fucking" his dad laughs and says "That’s funny, did they leave the curtains open?” In return, Bobby says out loud, "No I saw their son on the balcony counting red cars"
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?
it's not hard…
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn’t suck…
Is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.
My wife and I bought a water bed recently but ever since then…
…we’ve drifted apart.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. “These are all terrible!” The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, “Fine, suit yourself!”
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
What do you call a cow that gives no milk
An udder failure
Carrots may be good for your eyes…
But whiskey will double your vision.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
[Warning]: 18+
19.