After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
It was motherfucking gold.
They are for-prophet organizations, after all.
Because burning it will get you stoned.
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Y'know, one would've been enough.
But you don't carrot all. That was corny. Don't beet yourself up about it. This is below my celery. Lettuce go our seperate ways.
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
Arse skin for a friend.
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
“On what day will I Die?” The seeress assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day,” she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
The banana nana boo boo
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
Because she's really Sheik.
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
Kicked out of Sea World
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
A man and a woman are sitting side by side at a bar getting really wasted. They both look really depressed.
The man asks the woman why she's so down and she replies, "My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed." "What a conicidence" he said. "My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed too." They start talking and after a few more drinks they decide to go to the woman's apartment for some kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more uncomfortable. She comes out of the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, holding a whip and handcuffs. Then she hurries into the kitchen and comes out with tabasco sauce, whipped cream and a rolling pin. She notices that the man is putting on his coat and is walking towards the door to leave. "What's going on?" she asks. "I thought you wanted to get kinky?" He turns around and says, "I just fucked your dog and shat in your purse. I'm all done."
“Now you’re SUPER ANGRY” Maybe she’ll laugh Maybe you’ll die
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.