School nurses and TLC
I have a pen that can write underwater!!
It can write other words too.
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
What’s brown and swings from the belltower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My wife accidentally killed one of her plants by over watering…
I told here I guess it wasn't the right Thyme for it. Yes, it was a Thyme plant. (My son is too young to understand how great her eye roll was so I need recognition somewhere)
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors?
So they could see the battlefield
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
I’m not fucking lying.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli…
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
How many boomers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?” The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.” So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because of their antybodies