Schrodinger
Don’t take life too seriously.
You’ll never get out of it alive anyways.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
There was nothing left but de Brie
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him..
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Sushi…
…the rolls-rice of Asian seafood.
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the usual amount of dad jokes or get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom"
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Someone called me average today.
That's mean.
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
The secret service aren’t allowed to yell “GET DOWN” anymore if the president is about to be attacked.
Instead they say, “DONALD, Duck!”
A moral joke, finally!
The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?' ''Yes Ma'am, My Daddy is told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. Pin drop silence in the class !! ''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story ? "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk..!!"
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
My half-brother is 6’5
Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother
Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
Today I met a vegan girl who came out as a lesbian
She is truely Beyond Meat.