Schrodinger’s cat was meant to prove how dumb quantum states are, yet it’s widely used to advocate and explain it. I bet he’s rolling in his grave…
or not
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graiins!
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
How do they expect you to eat your burrito in 30min. Smh
Did you hear Homer Simpson is a martial Arts instructor?
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
My son wanted me to cosign on a loan for college…
I said, "what's your angle?"
Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.
One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!" That was the punch line.
My daughter just dropped a dad joke that made me super proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
Did you hear about the sarcastic weightlifter?
He liked to pump irony.
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch…
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
A locksmith had to testify in court recently
He was the key witness
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
I gave my boss some maracas for Christmas.
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!
On an unrelated note, I suck at darts.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.
"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course – I think the police are wonderful – but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?" "Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct." "What about if I were just to think it?" "No sir. You can think whatever you like." "In that case, I think you're a cunt."
Two men with Alzheimer’s at the beach
They're peckish and want some food. The first man, Bob, says “Carl, do you want to buy us a couple of ice creams?” Carl: Sure what do you want? Bob: vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl: Ok, I’ll be back now. Carl walks off… Bob: Now you will remember what I want? Carl: Yes, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce. Bob: Correct Carl walks a little further… Bob: Don’t forget now Carl Carl: I won’t, vanilla ice cream in a cone, a flake and chocolate sauce Carl is nearly at the ice cream van Bob: Carl?!!! DON’T FORGET WHAT I WANT!!!! Carl: I WON’T, VANILLA ICE CREAM, CONE, FLAKE AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE… A little while Carl walks back with 2 burgers. Bob: Fucking hell Carl where’s my fries??!
Why do pirates love this subreddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My wife thinks I don’t know how to say, “My” in Japanese…
…but really, watashi no?
Relatable.
Relatable.
Wife: we shouldn’t curse around the kids anymore
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
My boss really hates it when I shorten his name to Dick…
Mostly because his name is Steve…