Schrodinger’s Crush
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks “How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?”
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks "Are you almost done Doc? We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women."
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Cause light attracts bugs.
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didnât see that well.
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Why didn’t the husband try to catch his wife when she was falling down while she was carrying clean laundry?
He wanted to watch it all unfold!
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast
A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays very fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home. As he is about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried this will slow him up, the younger man says, âOf course.â To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesnât hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along without wasting any time. When they reach the 9th fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, âYou know, when I was your age, Iâd hit the ball right over that tree.â With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. âOf course,â says the old man, âwhen I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall.â
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said âParking Fineâ. So that was nice.
I’ve been diagnosed with the fear of giants…
…feefiphobia
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
âBa-dumm-Tsssâ
How do volcanos feel about jokes?
They LAVA good joke!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didnât know she sold flowers.
I didnât eat anything other than brown bread for dinner…
That was my wholemeal…
Coronavirus isn’t Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s Fault. Sars wasn’t Brush’s fault….
And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.
My calculus professor was 16 minutes late to his first class, 8 minutes late to his second, and 4 minutes late to the third.
At this rate, he will never be in class on time.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, âSheâs beautiful, isnât she?â I said, âIf you think sheâs beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.â
He said, âWhy? Is she a stunner?â I said, âNo, sheâs an optician.â
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
I woke up this morning and saw my neighbor slumped over his lawn mower, crying his eyes out.
He was growing through a rough patch.
Guess who stopped smoking this morning?
Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
Walking through the mall with my 9 yr old and a kiosk saleswoman waves a sample of lotion and asks ‘A gift for your daughter?’
I said 'No, thank you' and then looked down at my daughter and said 'Can you believe she thought I'd trade you away for just a tiny bit of lotion? I'd need a whole bottle, at least!' She thought that was pretty funny.