Schrödingers Dictator
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm.
I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I asked my boss, “Can I have a week off around Christmas?” He growled, “It’s May!”
I countered, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?”
I don’t know if this is a repost but some boomer on a discord server posted this
https://ift.tt/36JRQDy
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
There was a girl
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke ,
and don't get a reaction
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
What type of shoes do pedophiles wear?
White vans
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
Bamboo is an invasive species in my area that spreads quickly, can take over your yard, and is very hard to get rid of.
That's why they don't call it bamhooray.
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headaches…
My doctor said it's my grains…
A teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers
“Yes,” he says. “My dad taught me.” “Can you tell me what comes after three?” “Four” “What comes after six?” “Seven” “Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?” “A jack,” answers Little Johnny.