Schrödinger’s stock market
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
Right where you left him.
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
She couldn’t see that well.
Me: You just did You: I'm not going to do that Me: This joke only makes sense if you read it backwards
I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.
He said, “I cum in peas.”
I have a father figure.
Now I can play some hard rock.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
A big inmate, with a cock like a python, handed it back to me. "Nice try, you ugly cunt," he said.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
They would call it crucifact.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
Because the captain was standing on the deck
A newly wed couple are in bed together. The wife reaches over to grab her husband. "Oh my God, it's so big" she said. The husband gave a pleased hum. "Are they all this big?" She asked. "More or less," he said. "It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed. "Yeah," he said nonplussed. "I want this so bad," she moaned. "I can see that," he replied amused. "Half the time the pockets on my pants are fake!" Note: this was an actual conversation I had with my wife
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
It's always darkest before Don
It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
Dad : "Because your mother put her heart and soul into it."
But when I do, he laughs
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"