Science!
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
My penis is so large…
…when I lay it across the keyboard it stretches all the way from A to Z!
A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night…
He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love." His wife asked how he knew this. He responded with: "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”
Too many Maine characters.
I take Viagra for my sun burn…
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep. Obligatory: Thank you for the silver and gold, kind strangers! My first awards ever.
When women wear bikinis, they expose about 96% of their bodies.
But men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.
spotted this one in a local weekly newspaper!! stoked to find one in the wild!
https://ift.tt/2K2oOVZ
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.
The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!" "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language." The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. " One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
Because boomers all seemed to marry people they don’t want to actually be around…
https://ift.tt/2Kmw9zz
Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says…
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
… because Dawn is tough on Greece.
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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