Science
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
I saw a sign that said falling rocks,
so I tried it. It doesn't.
Dad:”I need to call the doctor today.” Mom:” Which doctor?”
Dad: "No the regular kind."
I was in the library one day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "It's 2018, dude, use whatever printer you want."
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.
His sister Chewbacca is less thrilled.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Just paid a lot of money for a really unprofessional circumcision
It was a rip off
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
A 3-month pregnant woman into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and theyβre fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no! Not my brother! Heβs an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Oh, well thatβs not so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Starting a mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends.
We call ourselves Juan Direction
Son: “Dad I know you’re an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?”
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.
It was here a minute ago.
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. βName's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .β βGreat,β says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.β As Jess is leaving, he stops, βGotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.β βNot a problemβ, says Tom. βAfter 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.β Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. βMore'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.β βWell, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.β βMore'n likely be some wild sex, too.β βNow thatβs really not a problem,β says Tom, warming to the idea. βI've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?β βDon't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.β
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
I asked my friend nic if he had 5 cents,
But he was nicholas.
Six Lessons of Life
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, βIβll give you $800 to drop that towel.β After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,β¦ βWho was that?β βIt was Bob the next door neighbour,β she replies. βGreat!β the husband says, βDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?β Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, βIβll give each of you just one wishβ βMe first! Me first!β says the administration clerk. βI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.β Poof! Sheβs gone. βMe next! Me next!β says the sales rep. βI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.β Poof! Heβs gone. βOK, youβre up,β the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, βI want those two back in the office after lunch.β Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,βFather, remember Psalm 129?β The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, βFather, remember Psalm 129?β The priest apologized βSorry sister but the flesh is weak.β Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, βGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.β Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, βCan I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?β The crow answered: βSure, why not.β So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull βI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,β sighed the turkey, but I havenβt got the energy.β βWell, why donβt you nibble on my droppings?β replied the bull. βTheyβre packed with nutrients.β The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when youβre in deep shit, itβs best to keep your mouth shut!
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
If not believing in myself was an Olympic sport.
I'd probably get bronze.
My friend said she didn’t understand how cloning worked
"That makes two of us"
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
I donβt mean to toot my own horn
But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driverβs seat.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
My 8 year old came home from school and told me she had a test that day.
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on? Her: Paper. I was so proud.
Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.
Having gay parents must be horrible
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mom." Edit: On another Sub someone called me a homophobe. I want to say I'm not a homophobe it was simply a light hearted joke. I'm gay myself and wouldn't want to create hate or controversy. So sorry if I offended anyone. Edit 2: Thanks for giving me my first award. Edit 3: if you have heard it else where then fine Like this one guy in the comments said "Iβve seen it a few times but no doubt many people havenβt. No reason a good joke canβt be posted bc someoneβs posted it in the past."
What video game system does Homer Simpson play?
Ninten-doh!
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
How to you send an apology by telegraph?
By using remorse code.
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldnβt control her pupils.