science
Police are like a box of chocolates
They'll kill your dog
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
What is the only fruit you can sit on?
A cherry.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?
Man: Good news first please, doc! Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
Reddit was down this morning
Leaving millions of workers nothing to do except their jobs
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
“Jesus loves you” is a great thing to hear in church…
It’s a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
German sausage is the wurst.
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So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
Why are dad jokes like sex?
Because hearing someone else groan means you are doing a good job.
What do you call pasta with a cold?
Macaroni and sneeze Was told to me by my 3 year old
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
Is my local newspaper trying to fight back against us meddling millennial and gen z’s?
https://ift.tt/33US5ur
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
Starts with an F and end with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9." Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36." And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants." Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut." The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum." Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling. Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
Why couldn’t Peter Pan ever be a comedian?
Because his jokes Neverland 😀
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
A child asked his dad,” how are coins made”.
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press". Then the child responded," That makes cents".
I wa robbed by six dwarves today.
Not Happy.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I won’t rest until I find it.