Science bitch!!
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
Why do elephants drink?
To forget
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
I hate when revolving doors move too fast
It's a pane in the ass
I yelled, “COW!” at a woman on a bike
As she rode by. She looked at me, gave me the finger, and turned back around and promptly plowed her bike into the cow. I tried.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
One day, a father is putting his daughter to bed.
After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say, '' God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her, '' Why did you say the last part? '' The daughter replies, '' Because I needed to. '' The next day, grandpa dies. The father thinks, '' Is this just a coincidence? '' That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears, '' Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma. '' The father now is thinking, '' Holy shit, my daughter can see into the future? '' The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears, '' Bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy. '' The father starts panicking and saying, '' Holy shit! I'm going to die tomorrow! '' The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says, '' How is this possible? I should be dead! '' He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks, '' What took you so long!? '' The father says, '' Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days. '' Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out, '' I saw the mailman die yesterday! ''
Me: Yeah I’ll probably die alone
Waiter: No I said will you be dining alone? Me: Oh
I donated 1 kidney and they called me a lifesaver
I donate two kidneys, they called me a hero. But for some strange reason, when I donated three kidneys, they called the police.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrödinger’s cat…
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I saw a theatre production about puns recently
It was a play on words
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
Why do keyboards never sleep?
Because they have 2 Shifts…