Science Fact
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
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Finding Jesus
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a Preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water And subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is Almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages to ask the Drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes,I am ." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and Asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for A little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks Again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the Water again — but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in ?"
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii (please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
Why is a chemist good at DJing?
Because they know when to drop the base.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day
Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts – Made in China."
My 8yo son hit me with this one tonight before bed: “Why did the minnow cross the ocean?”
"To get to the other tide." I'm too young to be a grandfather!
I walked in on my girlfriend in bed with her personal trainer
I told her this isn’t working out
Short and sweet cannibal joke
Did you know cannibals don’t exist anymore… I ate the last one yesterday
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
![Women bad (from Russian Boomers with love) [translated]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/jaa44pyha4e41-400x405.jpg)
The Greeks invented the threesome
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.
What is it called when a cannonball eats another cannonball?
Cannonball-ism
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles”
But today, I ran over 5 miles
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
WeWork’s Founder Adam Neumann Getting Owned by Masa Son of SoftBank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jdPlCiS287k&t=3s
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.
I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.
What does a robot do after sex
Nuts and bolts
Birthdays are good for your health
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.
Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!
