Science going round their heads
How does a farmer count his cows?
He uses a COWculater.
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
If you’re looking for a slutty Halloween costume…
Dress as a professor. They barely cover anything important.
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
Lent is the best time of the year to run a marathon.
Because that's when you fast.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
A Wife took a DNA test for her kid
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
What do midgets and dwarfs have in common?
Very little.
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
Did you know that a piranha can eat a kid down to the bone in 8 seconds…
anyways I lost my job at the aquarium today
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
My friend keeps saying, “If I wasn’t making drinks, I would be in jail.”
Currently he’s behind bars .
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
I hate it when people think they can just waltz into my room..
When what I’m listening to is clearly in 4/4
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
A man wanders back home at 3:00 am.
His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm. Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.
At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.
Unfortunately, the police found it.
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.Edit: Proud of you guys! Thank you for following the rules!
Iron Man is FeMale
Refer to the periodic table of elements with questions.
Right before I die, i’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic.
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
The girl with the big booty and a lisp wasn’t at work
She must have called in thick
