“Science is my passion”
The western world
A copypasta
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help. "Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!" The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h…how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied: "Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
Why did EA cross the road?
Buy the DLC to find out
Different Boobs and Dicks
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once…
That's me in the corner.
My wife blocked me on Facebook because I post too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play that game.
What did one deer say to the other when leaving the gay bar?
"I must have blown twenty bucks in there."
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
Did you hear the one about the Mexican Magician? He announced to his audience: “For my final illusion, I will make myself vanish on the count of three…”
"… UNO! DOS!" *POOF* And he vanished without a Tres.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Three guys get stranded on an island where a cannibal tribe lives.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them…
The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves". The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees. Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere seemingly a group of children appear on the beach. The priest quickly takes his hands and covers his penis, while the rabbi uses his hands to cover his face. Later, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks "why did you cover your face and not your penis when those kids showed up on the beach?" The rabbi responds "father, I don't know about you, but my congregation knows me by my face".
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Today my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Why is leather great for sneaking around?
Because it's made of hide!
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
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