Science Pun Run a Friend and I had seven years ago! Will post part 2 if this picks up ;)
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
College girl visits the doctor for an exam…
Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra." So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest. Doctor says: "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love." Doctor: "Ok you're finished, send in the next girl" Next girl comes in and the doctor says the same "Take off your blouse and bra" Sure enough there is an imprint of a U on her chest. Doctor says "What caused this?" Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to the University of Utah and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love" Doctor: "Sounds about right, ok you're done send in the next girl" Girl comes in and removes her blouse and bra. This time there is an imprint of a M on her chest. Doctor says: "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Michigan right?" Girl: "No doctor, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Hindus are so chill
i’ve never had beef with any of them
A woman in the shower hears the doorbell. “It’s the blind man”. So she answers the door naked…
"Nice bewbs! Now where do you want me to hang the blind?"
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
Guys I really want to break up with my Jazz musician girlfriend but I can’t
The Sax is too good
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
I’m so happy its tick season soon…
I enjoy a little Lyme with my Corona
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
A doctor flirted with me today. She said that I am too sweet.
Her exact words were "severely diabetic", but I know what she meant.
Quick Question Guys. Is it “for fucks sake” or “for fuck sake”?
It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
Just don’t pick it up.
This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.”.
I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
Today is 4 04…
There's a joke somewhere in there, but I can't quite find it.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
Two termites walk into a bar and ask
Is the bar tender here?
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes? Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes Wife: Who makes those rules? Me: The Dad Poet Society Wife: groan
Why is Switzerland such a good country?
I’m not exactly sure, but their flag is a big plus.