Science students during home schooling
I had plenty of time to kill.
When it happens, though, nobody is shocked.
It's a pane in the ass
She was a mathamachicken
A friend you can count on!
He sits down and orders a drink. After a few seconds, he hears someone whisper, “Pssst… I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone. “Pssst… that color looks nice on you.” He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?” The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
I should be upset, but actually I’m delighted!
For keeping me off the streets
… and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home. And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.
I said, I don't hate your relatives, in fact, I like your mother in law a lot more than I like mine
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
One day my prints will come.
Janes Bond: No thanks. Dye another day.
It's about raisin awareness.
I hope you're happy now.
He had a reptile dysfunction.
They don’t believe in a higher power.
there would be mass confusion.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish. The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish." The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the map back and says, "I'm sorry, sir. I come from the Middle East myself, and these conflicts have been raging since even before my time. Bringing peace to that region is beyond my powers. Do you have another wish?" The guy thinks and says, "Well, I've been married for forty years, and in my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says, "Let me see that map again."
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"