Science time
So I made a graph of all my past relationships…
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
A man applies for a job as a lumberjack
Well sir, do you have any lumber jacking experience? Yes. I was part of an elite team of lumberjacks who worked on the largest lumberjacking project ever for nearly 3 years. Oh. You don't say? Where exactly was it you worked? The Sahara Forest in Africa, Sir. The Sahara Forest? Don't you mean the Sahara desert? Well sure, that's what they call it now.
I want to post a walkie talkie joke,
but I need to think it, over.
Are you tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?!
Just boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later!!
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout βforeβ…
Then it hit me.
What has six wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
βHow are you mate?β βYeah Iβm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.β I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said βYour dadβs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond βGet away with ya… Prove it.β I shouted downstairs βHey, mate! Both of them?β He shouted back βOf course both of them! Whatβs the point in fucking one?β
LPT: When you are telling a joke to identical twins, make sure you say the entire joke.
Because it isnβt easy to tell them a part.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and sheβs been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
After my performance at the shooting gallery, the coach said, “Take a bow.”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
Iβm opening a new gay club called βGarage Saleβ
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
What kind of music do elfs listen to
Wrap music
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
A teacher asks her class to name a word beginning with A
Little Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say something like asshole". She asks Suzanna who says "Apple". The She asks for a word beginning with B. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "I'm not asking Jonny, he will say bastard", so she asks Stephen, who replies "Balloon"..This goes on until they get to the letter G. Again Jonny raises his hand and the teacher thinks "Hmm, I cant think of any swear word beginning with G", so she asks Jonny. "Gnome" says Jonny. Very surprised, the teachers says "That's excellent Jonny, and do you know what a gnome is?" "Yeah" replies Jonny, "It's a little cunt at bottom of my garden that fucks fairies"
Axe Body Spray responded to Netflix’s tweet “whatβs something you can say during sex but also when you manage a brand twitter account?” And responded with “Now 33% bigger.”
What they should have said is "we will make you gag".
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
It’s always communism. Everything that they don’t like is always somehow communism.
https://ift.tt/3aQ6Gt8
I’d tell you a joke about unemployed people…
But none of them work.
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
If you got bladder problems…
urine trouble.
Youβve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
Youβve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
Poor old man…
βPoor Old fool,β thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought heβd humor the old man and asked, βSo how many have you caught today?β The old man replied, βYouβre the eighth.β
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
My son asked βdaddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?β
βno, son, I was born with it.β
Why was 69 afraid of 70?
Because they once had a fight and 71
Power outages delight me.
No text found
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.