Science wave
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
6 was scared of 7 because 7 8 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.
How can you tell good cops from bad cops?
Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.
A Politician, Sexual Predator and Criminal walk into a bar
Bartender says "What can I get for you Mr. President?"
A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.
He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.” The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”
Which part of the body is the last to die?
Pupils, coz they dilate.
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
Being a scarecrow is a tough job…
but hay… It’s in my jeans.
50 Shades of Gray
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676, #777777, #7b7b7b, #7c7c7c, #7d7d7d, #7e7e7e, #808080, #818181, #838383, #868686, #878787, #888888, #898989, #8b8b8b, #8c8c8c, #8e8e8e, #919191, #929292, #949494, #959595, #979797, #9a9a9a, #9b9b9b, #9c9c9c, #9d9d9d, #9f9f9f, #a0a0a0, #a2a2a2, #a5a5a5, #a6a6a6, #a8a8a8, #a9a9a9, #ababab, #aeaeae, #afafaf, #b0b0b0.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
If ‘A’ is for apple, and ‘B’ is for banana, what is ‘C’ for ?
Plastic explosives
Two cows standing in a field, one says to the other “you worried about that mad cow disease?”
The other cow says "no I'm a penguin"
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret … “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?” Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel . .
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
What do you call a drunk coffee?
Amerrycano.
My wife is happy with COVID-19. I must not kiss nor hug anybody, always keep a safe distance and avoid public places and social occasions.
To be honest, she was always happy with her Redditor husband.
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
I work in a hospital, and I found a rectal thermometer in my pocket today.
Some asshole must have my pen.