Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer are sentenced to due by guillotine
The lawyer is to first. He lays his head down, the lever is pulled… But nothing happened. He argues that he can't receive two death penalties, so he is let go. Next, the priest lays his head down, the lever is pulled, and the same thing happens. He claims that he was clearly saved by God, so he is let go. Finally, the engineer lays his head down, looks up at the blade and says, "oh, I see your problem"
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
If lightning always follows the path of least resistance
Why doesn't it only strike in France?
My father has schizophrenia…
…but he’s good people…
A farmer buys a young cock…
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home it fucks all the Farmers 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day, it's fucking the ducks and the geese too. Sadly later in the day, he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling overhead. Farmer says, "You deserved it, you horny bastard! "The cock opens one eye,points up and says,"Shhhhhh. They're about to land!!"
What is round and angry?
A vicious circle.
The guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot." "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!" "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird." "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers." "Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?" "Of course! I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I'm a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "I can't afford that," he says. "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer!" The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not", says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman" "What?" says the guy. "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth." "What happened then?" asks the guy. "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up her nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot. "My God!" the guy cries. "Then what?" "Then he got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time… "What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy. "Damned if I know" says the Parrot. "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch."
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
Why do stadiums get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.
I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes. Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
I’d like to start dieting…
…but I just have too much on my plate right now.
ation.
https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ap9gqf/i_have_a_phd_in_procrastin/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
What do you call a fight between a Martian and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I loaned my car to an Italian chef last week.
He returned it all denty. Edit: my first gold! Thank you kind stranger.
