Scifci meme
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What’s another name for Vampires?
Neck-romancer
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
(At the vet) “Doctor, my two pet birds seemed to be stuck together. What is going on?”
Vet: I have no idea. It’s toucan fusing.
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
“This is your captain speaking”
"AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING."
How would you define propaganda?
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
Have you ever noticed that Hasbro has cornered the entire board game industry?
I guess you can say they own a monopoly.
What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?
Monsters Ink
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?
It's Christmas, Eve! Ps Merry Christmas, happy holidays etc etc to all my fellow dads and dad joke lovers 👍
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
My neighbor and I are good friends. So we thought we share our water supply.
We got a long well.