Scones of Anarchy
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
[grocery store] Ok, milk…check, eggs…check, tomatoes…check.
“Sir, please stop writing separate checks for every single item.”
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
Why do nurses need red crayons?
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic association.
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
My son asked “daddy, did you pick your nose when you were young?”
“no, son, I was born with it.”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
6:30 is my favourite time.
Hands down.
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
My Anesthesiologist said that if I didn’t want knockout gas he could hit me in the head with a paddle.
He wouldn't do both. It was ether/oar.
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
Why can’t the USA tell knock knock jokes?
Because freedom rings
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After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
There are two guys stealing iPhones around the town
They are most likely going to face time