Scott Morrison visits residents of a fire ravaged town in Australia
Why do younever buy a pair of shoes from a drug dealer?
Because you don't know what he laces them with and you'll be tripping all day.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Australians don’t have sex
They mate
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasnât my waiter.
What’s the difference between a mechanic and a priest?
The mechanic waits til you've grown up to fuck you.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 3 weeks
I didn't want to interrupt her
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
A man brings his Rottweiler into the vet. âMy dog is cross-eyed is there anything you can do for him?â
âWell,â the vet says, âLetâs have a look at him.â The vet picks up the dog and looks into his eyes. After a few second the he says, âIâm afraid Iâm going to have to put him down.â The shocked owner replies, âwhat?! Because heâs cross-eyed?!â âNo, because heâs heavy.â
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
3.14% of sailors are Pi rates
No text found
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one
“Is that your dog?”
No,actually it is adopted. My wife and I were unable to conceive a dog naturally.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
https://ift.tt/3fzDfPk
what do you call 2 transgender midgets who are having sex?
a micro transaction
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me
Once youâve seen one shopping center……
Youâve seen the mall.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while heâs drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, âDid you see what your monkey just did?â The guy says, âNo, what?â âHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!â says the bartender. âYeah, that doesnât surprise me.â replied the patron. âHe eats everything in sight. Iâll pay for the cue ball and stuff.â He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later heâs in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. âDid you see what your monkey did now?â, he asks. âNow what?â, responds the patron. âWell, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!â says the barkeeper. âYeah, that doesnât surprise me.â replied the patron. âHe still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!â
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
In my opinion, people should wear different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But thatâs just my two scents.