Scratch vs Everything else
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
Can we just stop specifying the state when we make this joke? Pretty sure I’ve seen all 50
https://ift.tt/2xjJXr3
Sure, a library is the place to find a lot of books to read from
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
Here’s a magic joke for you: A magician was driving down a street.
Then he turned into a driveway.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
If a king farts…
Is it a noble gas?
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.
Turns out it was just another dad choke.
My friend said that all bartenders are boring, which was a bit cynical in my eyes.
I think they're intoxicating people.
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
True fact: Before the crowbar was invented….
….most crows drank at home.
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off.
Being told I was going deaf…
was very difficult to hear.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
I ordered rabbit stew at a pub the other day…
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm
So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks. The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad." The second oldest son comes back 5 hours later and says "well dad, I got 5 dollars, a basket of apples, and a basket of oranges." To which the dad replies "very good son!" The youngest son is having trouble selling his duck so he decides to just give it away to the first person he sees. He's walking past a brothel and sees a nice looking hooker and asks her "you want a free duck?" She is confused but says yes and then asks him if he wants a free session for it, and he accepts. After they get done she says that he was so good she wants to go again, and he says sure but only if he can have his duck back. She agrees, they go again, and he walks out with his duck. On his way home a car coming down the road startles the duck, it flies into the road and gets hit. The man driving the car hops out and starts freaking out and says "I'm so sorry! Here's 20 bucks for your duck!" the boy takes the money and heads home leaving the duck on the side of the road. When he gets home the father says "wow you've been gone a long time! What did you get for your duck?" The son says "a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck."
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana
.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, "Damn, this one isn't wearing any shoes either."
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down…
You have my Word.
A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs
"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again." "Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!" "Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag. After flushing them, he looked at me and said, "Well, show me your pocket then." "What for?" I asked. He said, "The drugs." I said, "What drugs?"
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.