Screaming π
What did the pilot say when I opened the window?
WHAT?! I CANT HEAR YOU!
A girl asked me if I had a foot fetish. I said no.
I use the metric system.
Doctor: “Unfortunately sir, you have only 1 week to live.”
Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?β, clearly shocked. βWhat can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then Iβll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didnβt tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a weekβ¦ but it will seem like a century.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
The other day my best friend met his fate after accidentally falling into a printing press at work.
You probably read about him, he was in all the papers.
Iβm so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Trump’s gonna build the wall out of…
Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently
I seriously have to stop dropping things.
Itβs really been getting out of hand.
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If thereβs one more, it would be too farty.
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
Horny Husband
With his wife now eight months pregnant, a man was severely horny. She recognized what he was going through and empathized enough to hand him a fifty-dollar bill. "Honey, you're so depressed. Take this money to the woman next door and she'll sleep with you. But remember: tonight only, okay? Never again!" He couldn't believe his ears but, afraid she might change her mind, grabbed the money and ran, but within five minutes was back, totally disappointed. "She says fifty isn't enough. She wants hundred!" His wife was mad, Why that bitch! When she was pregnant and her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty!
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Waiter: Iβm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?
Me: Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.
My son’s math teacher called him average
I just think he's mean
If you’re questioning your sexuality…
You probably aren't thinking straight.
A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.
She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all. And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!" And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!" And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, sure. But never end the thing the lord gave us without changing everything first. I'm leaving tomorrow on a boat for Europe. I know one of the stevedores. I'll find you a place to stowaway, and we can start a new life over there. I'll make you happy. You'll make me happy. It doesn't have to be like this." And she agrees. That night they meet in darkness and he smuggles her aboard one of the lifeboats belowdeck. He brings her a blanket, and some food, and for three weeks they have this tryst. Each night he brings her a sandwich and they talk and make passionate love until the dawn. But. After the third week, the captain is doing a routine inspection belowdecks, and he hears a quiet rustling in one of the lifeboats And he pulls back the tarp and sees her, shaking in fear. "WHAT are you doing here, madam??" And she tells all, "I…I'm a stowaway! I have an…arrangement with one of the sailors on this ship. He's helping us get to Europe, and he lets me hide out in this lifeboat, smuggling me food." "And?" says the captain "And…well. He's screwing me." and the captain says, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.
The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" "No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fucking business."
Itβs sad that nothing is made in America anymore…
I just bought a new t.v. and it said βBuilt in antennaβ I donβt even know where that is!
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, βSheβs beautiful, isnβt she?β I said, βIf you think sheβs beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.β
He said, βWhy? Is she a stunner?β I said, βNo, sheβs an optician.β
First visit to America as German guy!
I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by. She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!" I shouted back "DANKE!"
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A FIZZician
Iβm going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
A high school is having a talent show.
The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it. A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs. The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."
I donβt have a βdad bodβ…
I have a father figure.
I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life
I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting oneΒ etc and I'm like "Yeah, it's pretty good." trying to play it cool because I don't wanna give away that there's no way I could even afford one if I wanted to. But then after a while, his comments start becoming personal, first complimenting my shoes and calling me a 'strapping young lad'. Now I'm quite weirded out but figure he's just new at sales and really bad at it. But then I realised he's not a staff member, that he doesn't work there. So now I'm fully freaked out, this guy just came up to me and all up in my personal space, so I try to ignore him (but not trying to be subtle about it). I turn away, and get this, he sort of grabs my arm to turn me back and gives it a little squeeze and says something along the lines of "Ooh, you been hitting the gym yeah?". I turn to look at him and say "Excuse me, do not touch me" and quickly leave. This guy catches up to me all apologetic, saying how sorry he is and he didn't realise he was annoying me and that. And as I'm about to say "Yeah okay fine whatever", he says "Listen, here's the thing. If you give me a blowjob, I will give you this new iPhone XS" and pulls out this new iPhone, box fresh. I was flabbergasted. I genuinely thought I'd misheard him, so had to clarify and said "What? You want me to suck you off for a phone? Really?!" And he smiled and nodded. Some people are fucking disgusting. Makes me sick. Sent from my iPhone.