SCREAMING AND YELLING AND PEEING
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?”
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” – “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. – “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. – “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”
How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?
She fits in your wife’s clothes
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
What do you call it when a redneck dies and is reborn?
Reintarnation
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
What’s a snail on a boat?
A snailor
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
Balls..
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!" The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy." The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday." The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I’m having trouble organizing a Hide and Seek League.
Good players are hard to find.
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
Why do Redditors get excited when a tornado rips down miles of fences?
Because there is a lot of reposting to do.
Fred is a hippo who went to University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked him where the medical building was, Fred replied, "it's over there and to the left. I do research on the brain in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.
I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity.
Remember when plastic surgery was taboo?
Now if you mention Botox, no one even raises an eyebrow.
My girlfriend said to me, “I’m sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up.”
I said, "Good idea – we can cover more ground that way!"
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
Went for a walk and fell into a hole filled with water
It was a day well spent
Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!" I said: "Hi leaving I'm John!" The wedding is next month
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?
All the walls are load-bearing.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
“Orion’s belt is a big waist of space”
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
In 2015, none of us got the answer right to
"where do you see yourself in 5 years?"
A Mexican magician was performing on stage
He tells the audience he is going to disappear on the count of three, "Uno" "Dos" And then he vanished, and disappeared without a tres