Screw this! I’m out
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
A man with a dog walks into a bar.
He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!" Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent. "Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettors the agreed upon sum and leaves the bar. Outside, the guy says to the dog, "You set me up, you stupid mutt! Do you even know how much cash I lost because of you?" "Nonsense," says his dog. "Just imagine how much money we'll raise tomorrow from these suckers!"
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
A man walks into a bar NSFW
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. After nursing his whiskey he notices a horse in the back of the bar. Curious he asks the bar-tender: "Hey, why the horse in the back of the bar" "Oh, that horse is Jim. We have a pool going. If anyone can make Jim laugh they can have all the money. It's $100 to try." The man thinks for a moment, removes $100 from his wallet, places the money on the bar, walks back, and whispers something in Jim's (the horse's) ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The man walks back to the bar, orders another whiskey, shoots it, takes his winnings and leaves. A few months later this strange man comes back to the bar. Again he orders a drink and again he asks about the horse. The bar tender replies: "Well, since you were last here we needed a new wager. Same deal only now we are looking for someone that can make Jim cry". Then places his money on the bar and walks back to the horse and moments later returns ; a weeping horse in his wake and inquires to his prize money. The bartender not letting go so easily asked, "Hold on mister. You have to tell me. how you won both pools" The man replies: "Last time, I told the horse my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him".
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I’ve opened up a restaurant called “Karma”
There is no menu, you get what you deserve.
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
I was mugged by 6 dwarves last night
Not Happy
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
My son used to swallow coins pretty regularly when he was a child.
I’ve definitely seen some change in him.
People always say that the Romans didn’t handle the whole Jesus situation very well
I think they nailed it.
A farmer has triplets, and they’re getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him. The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe. The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead body with a hard on
The first nurse says, "Damn, can't let that go to waste," and rides him. The second nurse does the same. The third nurse hesitates and explains that she's on her period, but still rides him. Then the man sits up. The three nurses apologize profusely and say that they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion, I feel fuckin great!"
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a …..moving violation.
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
A dung beetle walked into a bar and said
Is this stool taken?
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
