Screw this! I’m out
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Why does Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic Attacks.
How do you count People from Mississippi
1 Mississippi 2 Mississippi 3 Mississippi
How are dog catchers paid?
By the pound!
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Donβt mind him. Heβs just a product of our times.
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
My teenage daughter is really acting odd..
She canβt even
This Earth Day, join us at r/jokes as we celebrate being the most eco-friendly subreddit
Now made with 98% recycled content.
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldnβt put it down
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldnβt handle it.
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!" My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?" I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!" (This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways…)
The museum guide
Visitor: "How old is that Tyrannosaurus skeleton?" Guide: "70,000,006 years." Visitor: "Wow. How can you be so precise?" Guide: "They told me it was 70,000,000 years old when I started working here."
Joke my 6 year old son made up.
What is the best type of pan to cook fish in? A CAST iron pan. Get it? Because you have to cast for fish. I thought it was super cute!
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
Met a beautiful girl at the park today..
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
My wife just said, βItβs overβ, and started walking out on me β-I just sat there.
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
Iβve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
Itβs all about raisin awareness
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
I wrote a song about a tortilla.
Well actually it's more of a wrap.
What do you call a ghost’s boobs?
Paranormal entitties.
My wife wants me to get my coffee at home to save money.
If she really wants me to save money she should give me sex at home.
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now Iβm just sad π€·ββοΈ
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now Iβm just sad π€·ββοΈ
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged and said, "It's better than a fortnight."
An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door. She says to him: “Hey Granddad, why don’t we give it a try?”
He says: "No thank you. That is no longer possible for me." It was a slow night, so the hooker says: "Oh, come on, what have we got to lose; let's give it a try." So, they both go inside and he acts like the young man he used to be. "Oh my goodness," says the hooker breathlessly afterward, "I thought you said sex was no longer possible for you." Says the old man: "Oh, my body is still highly capable; it's the paying that is no longer possible."
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
I just love how the earth rotates
It makes my day
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/