Screw you Todd Howard, actually that sounds kind of fun
My girlfriend accused me of cheating
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife
Unlike Fathers day, Son day is celebrated every week
No text found
Bob was in trouble
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
NSFW Girl to her friend: Do you know how many calories there are in a load of cum?
Friend: Sweetie, if you're swallowing enough to worry about it, no one will care if you're a little chubby.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime-mates
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
If you slap Dwayne Johnson’s ass
You hit rock bottom
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
What’s the difference between my husband and Gollum?
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
To the guy who invented zero,
Thanks for nothing.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
Microtransaction
I walked by a store with a sign that said “Television $1- volume stuck on full”
I thought to myself “I can’t turn that down!”
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy – "$750" Man – "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy – "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $1000 to cover the loss.
I understand now why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I was driving along when this man waved me down.
I stopped the car and he asked me if I could give him a few directions. 'Certainly,' I replied, 'up, down, east and west.' Then I drove off.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
How do you rescusitate a sheep?
You give it Sheep PR
A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service.
Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. “Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.” “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked. “A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.” “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?” “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?” “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.” “The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief. “Ahh, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”
My wife left me when I became a contortionist.
I should be sad, but I'm knot.
Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him “would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?”
Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".