Secret security
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore..
They should yell "Donald, duck!"
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
Why don’t churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works. π
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
EditοΌWow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
What’s worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
A Bar Opened Opposite a Church…..
The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business. Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it. Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer. The Church Denied all Responsibility!!! So, the judge commented, "It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him itβs between 8am and 1pm
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, βCan you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?β
The professor replied, βSorry. No Time.β
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
My fish just ate another one of my fishes but itβs just hanging out of his mouth
https://ift.tt/2G2jC26
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
I never say curse words
I swear
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
An English woman, a French woman and a Russian Woman are talking about sex
English Woman: I just found a way to have fantastic sex with my husband: after he comes back home and takes a shower, i throw away his towel, grab his balls by my hand and i tell him "Harry, your balls are so hot!" French Woman: And so what? Does it work? English Woman: If it works? My husband gets so horny and excited when i tell him that, he fucks me so hard and so good for like ten times in a row! I'm just so happy! The French woman seems very interested in it, and says she'll do that. The next day the three women meet again. French Woman: You won't believe it but your method actually worked wonders! My husband came back home from work and got a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hands and told him " Antoine, you balls are so hot!". He went totally mad and banged me ten times in a row! At this point the Russian woman is convinced and decides to try that herself. The next day the three women meet again. They find the Russian woman in a terrible state. She has two missing teeth, a broken arm, she was just all bruised and battered. Her two friends asked her what happened. Russian Woman: I did just what you said. My husband came back home from work, he grabbed his beer and took a shower. Then i grabbed his balls by my hand, but them were cold. So i told him: "Vladimir, why your balls are not as hot as Harry's and Antoine's?"
A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.
He found love, got married and had a son. The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons. Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden. After a lot of grief, the man has the idea of bringing the garden to new life. However, not being young anymore, it seems like an impossible task for him alone. He writes to his son: "My dear son, after your mother's death, I am finally ready to move on. I'd like to bring our old garden to new life. Unfortunately, the task seems to be too much for an old man like me. I know you're busy with work and family, but maybe you could help me with digging over the old patches. This would help a lot. Love, your father." Some time later he receives a short message from his son: "Father. Please keep away from the patches. It's where I hid the 'Thing'. Your son." The next morning, combined forces of FBI, NSA and HS invade the property and the neighborhood. They start questioning everyone and search the man's garden inch after inch, soil layer after soil layer. In the evening, they still haven't found anything and finally give up. The man receives another message from his son: "Dear Father, I'm glad that you want to move on after Mom's death. Work and family prevent me from visiting you right now, but after the recent visit of the authorities your garden should be dug over and ready for renewal. That's the best I could do at the moment. Love, your son."
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated.
Cop 2: Hate crime? Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. Thatβs why Iβm a cop.
My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records.
Until the police came and removed me from the library.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
Murphy’s law states that if something bad can happen, it will.
Cole's law is basically just cabbage.
My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an ewok
Wookie mistake.
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Sincerely, your service provider.
Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What is it called when your parachute doesnβt open?
Jumping to a conclusion.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesnβt work properly
No forks were given
I went to the doctor because I was having hearing problems. “Can you describe the symptoms ?”, he asked.
I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent…
My friend just phoned and asked me if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent… And you know me always willing to help my friends and family out… I told her…"give me a minute let me check my account and I'll phone u right back." Before I could check my account my friend's mom phones and says, "Donβt give her any money because she's lying.β Mom proceeds to tell me that she wants to use that $500 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for her birthday!!! So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $500 cuz we all need help at times… So I phoned her back and said, "yea, I can help you" and met her and gave her an envelope of cash. A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, I say hello and she starts screaming and asking, βWhy did you give me counterfeit money?!" I replied: " so you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for your birthday!!!"
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence