Secrets of Microsoft
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job…
A boy scout went around his neighborhood looking for a job… "I'll pay you $20 to paint my porch," said one neighbor. The scout agreed and went to work. A few hours later, the scout knocked on the neighbor's door and said, "I'm all finished, but your car is a Mercedes, not a Porsche."
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
It’s not that hard to tell an alligator and a crocodile apart..
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
Right enough of these “2020 vision” jokes
I don’t want to make a spectacle of myself
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes…
A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smart pills taste like shit,” guy says “You’re getting smarter already.”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly squats
A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, every dance move going…
The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
How do you wake Lady Gaga up?
Pa pa pa poke her face pa pa poke her face.
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
A man and his wife go to a therapist.
Therapist: What brought you two here today? Her: I hate how he takes things so literally. Therapist: And you? Him: A car.
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive..
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
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My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
Power outages delight me.
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![funny how that works [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/murzd2e0w3351-400x391.jpg)
