security bad
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
My baby just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I’m starting a charity about teaching maths to midgets…
I'm calling it "making the little things count"
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
The skydiving instructor asked if there were any questions.
So…Is it a freefall? I asked him. He said, It is, indeed. I said, Good, because I haven't got any money.
I always knock on the fridge door…
You never know when there may be a salad dressing.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra…
No text found
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.
He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was. She responded,"My washcloth." Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair. The boy asked his mother, "What happened to your washcloth?" His mother replied, "I lost it." The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, "Mommy, I found your washcloth, I found your washcloth!" His mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?" The boy replied, "The maid has it and is washing daddy's face with it." *This was actually a copypasta taken from an eighth grade English workbook assigned by a private school in Shanghai. The kids were told to read the joke and write a review of it. The parents were, obv, not pleased when they saw the material.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Dads are just like boomerangs..
.. I hope
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
So it turns out dogs can’t operate MRI scanners
Luckily for me, catscan
I got into a car accident with a little person.
He got out and said, "I'm not happy!" So I asked, "Well, which one are you, then?"
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Wife is pregnant
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
My wife left me because I am insecure
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
I have an Irish friend with a great personality that always bounces off the walls.
His name is Rick O’Shea.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs
They always take things literally.