See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
What do you call calculators with knives attached?
Texas Instruments of Torture.
Whatβs the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
I think I’d win gold in “Literature Gymnastics.”
I can really flip a page. π
So we all know that 6 is afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to have 3 squared meals a day
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
My doctor diagnosed me with severe lack of observation.
That came out of nowhere.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Dad: Did I make myself clear?
Son: No, we can all still see you.
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said… Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily? Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head. The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question… Girl 2: Why is my name Rose? Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says… Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
Zombie Mr. Clean
wants your draaaiiins
I donβt always roll a joint but when I do…
Itβs my ankle.
I donβt have a dad body
I have a father figure
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
“I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds”
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
Did you know that One Direction went for a haircut together?
Now they have the same Harry Styles.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
A man goes to church to confess his sins….
He steps into the confessional and says "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I stole wood from the local lumber yard." The Priest responds, "Well son how much did you steal, it may not be so bad." "Well Father, with the wood I was able to build a house for my new dog in the backyard." "My son, this is not so bad. 10 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers and you shall be cleansed." The man interrupts, "Um Father, there was some wood left over, so I used it to build a fence around my yard." The Priest was surprised. "My child, that's a bit worse. You'll have to do 2 full rosaries." The man speaks up again. "Father, you see there was still some wood left and I used it to build an extension on my house." The Priest sighed with discomfort. "Oh dear my child. You'll need to do some real penance for that. Our church courtyard could use an update. Do you know how to build a gazebo?" The man replied, "No father, but if you have the plans, I have the wood."
Why did the Swedish navy put barcodes on their ships
So they could Scandinavian
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.