seeing your customized character in a cutscene
A horse walks into a bar
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
If you are ever confronted by a group of clowns at night…
…always go for the juggler…
Why are mathematicians always so happy?
Because the root of their negativity is imaginary.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. "If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says," I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth". The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound". The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door". The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door". The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Four men are stranded with nothing but cigarettes on a boat with no way to light them
So they throw one cigarette off board, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
US government: “The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Officially Reached The United States” Boomers:
https://ift.tt/2OjN7Rs
The psychic I go to can predict what’s going to happen two years from now.
He's got 2020 vision.
What do you call a can opener that’s broken?
A can't opener.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party,..
So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh much?
Light blue
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget Edit: Thanks for the upvotes, I needed this for a challenge on r/ModMurder
My father’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk. He was just shitty at Trivia.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
How do you get your ducks in a row?
Use duck tape, of course!
My male friend with two red headed parents got turned into a cookie today
Not much has changed though, he’s still a ginger-bred man.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEYYYYEEEEEEEE