What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
My girlfriends place is filled with bees!
She's a keeper…
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Trump should not have said “shit-hole countries”.
The correct term is "Turd World Countries".
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…
That makes me an eighth theist.
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
When is a car not a car?
When it turns in-to a driveway
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” “Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “Yeah, well, it’s like this, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab. Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease. Man: So what am I supposed to do now? Doctor: Take her for long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
Me after finishing an introductory lesson on HTML pretending to understand the posts here
https://ift.tt/33XO0oi
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
Why was the stegosaurus such a good volleyball player?
He was really good at spiking the ball!
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived on the Bay they’d be bagels
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
r/ProgrammerHumor best of 2019 nominations thread
Please leave your nominations as replies to this thread. All other comments will be deleted.You can nominate any comment or post in the subreddit that was posted during this year.You can nominate multiple posts or comments, but please make a separate comment for each.Make sure you directly link to the post or comment you’re nominating, and not the content.
I told my son to not marry a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
Flat earthers have been quiet recently.
They kind of fell off.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”