Seems like child abuse to me
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
Life before the computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy….. you just hoped nobody found out.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
Why do women seem so surprising?
Because everyone exclaims "woah man" when they see them
My friend said “What rhymes with orange.”
I said no it doesn't.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Having student loans is like being in a shitty marriage.
They fuck you once a month for 25 years, they make you feel guilty about every dollar you spend, and you spend an unhealthy amount of time wondering if you could fake your death to get out of the whole arrangement.
When I die I want my coffin to be made of onions.
My family don't love me very much.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships?
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
My wife phoned me while away.
"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?" I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact." "What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!" I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."
My gf left a note on the fridge: this is not working, im going to my mom’s house.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
A German pushes his brother off a cliff
"look mom no hans!"
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
She said “choke me daddy!”
So I gave her two Popeye's biscuits and no drink.
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
What do you call a nun that sleepwalks?
A roamin' catholic.
Just ordered eggs and a chicken off Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
The first rule of flight club…
is to take flying lessons. Also know how to read carefully.
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.