Caveman discovers weed
Caveman discovers fire Stone age begins
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Just in case you still think the GOP is the party of moral standards…
Standard daily routine
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
And that’s why I don’t like MySQL Workbench
Republicans are so pro-life…
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
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I found this on facebook and I’m so confused. Horses?????
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
Marriage bad, abuse good.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic Attack!
I once asked my grandfather how he’d lived so long.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
How dare you?!
I’m so straight, I don’t touch myself when I jerk off.
My buddy Brian does it for me.
How do you search for Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints.
That damn avocado obsession
Enviro-Skeptic boomer pun!
Gotta knock them all
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Have You Tried Running it Again?
I put my phone under my pillow last night.
When I woke up it was gone and there was a £1 coin in it's place. Fucking Bluetooth Fairy! Edit: Thank you kind redditer for the Gold.
It works don’t touch it
But there is no last stage :-p
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
My African American friend over here gets it.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
It’s just that simple
Why is it always phones?
The most impractical way to code… ever
π for you
Have to agree with Trump on this one….
Rapper Project Lead
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
Saw this hanging in my school
Unions ARE needed
Kids are dumb! Haha.
Trump finally beat Obama at something!
Girl asked me if I want to do the threesome…
Well, if I were to disappoint two people at same time I'd go for a dinner with my parents edit: im sorry everyone for the notification stuff and all. like i mentioned in the comment, i heard this one in the bus, english isn't my native and tried to translate it from my language, i'm not on r/jokes really often, sorry!
Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end
You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Wonderful news ..😰
*insert flushed emoji*
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah, I’m okay. But do me a favor mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21-year-old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Why is suicide illegal in China ?
Destruction of government property.
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
Journalist on the war in Afghanistan
Very well said
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
Sorry Java friends
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
American People: “We desperately need PPE in our hospitals!”
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
West Virginia is the last US state without a confirmed case of COVID-19.
Not because they don’t have it, but because they can’t figure out how to read the tests.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
threading is hard ok
Exactly six years ago, there was a tweet. There’s *always* a tweet.