Seen a few retired folks sharing this on facebook…
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
Wife: whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't.
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
Did you hear about the monster that ate a Cessna?
He said it was a little plane
Television for sale
On my way to work I saw an advert in a shop window that said: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” – I thought to myself, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting
I said people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Cutting-edge technology.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
“Dad, is the Fibonacci sequence hard to understand?”
“Nope. It’s as easy as 1,1,2,3.”
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.
There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555,55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, “Thanks for the Baghdad”
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
My parents say this sub will turn me into my father.
My bio says otherwise
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday.
it's the thot that counts.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
I was at a bar when
A woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it. I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dreams right in front of me. A few moments pass by and she comes up to me and asks for my number and I looked around the room. Surely she must’ve been mistaken. I said “ who me?!!!?” She said “yes of course you. I don’t usually do this kind of thing but you just sort of caught my eye.”
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty!
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah. "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here – he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me – I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.