Seen a lot of “terrible Facebook memes” here so
It has a nice ring to it
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the little voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…"Me!"
The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"
A guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum, fuming with anger. He yells at the top of his lungs "WHO THE FUCK, FUCKED MY WIFE!" Everybody stops, there's a lingering silence for a few seconds, then a guy in the back of the bar yells back "you haven't got enough bullets buddy."
I'm on season six, don't know what it has to do with security though.
…prove that you're second to nun.
“I guess you drank the t”
He stopped at nothing to avoid them.
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?” [NSFW]
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
5 beers please
So I packed my stuff up and right
I have a complex complex complex
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
Now I’m clean
To get to the other side.
No? SO IT WAS YOU!!!
Yes, we arson
Nobody knew why.
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
But I couldn’t see myself wearing any