Seen in the Engineering Building at CSU; a random survey to see if we like the building, apparently. Personally, I think it could use some remodels, but that won’t change how scary the basement is…
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
I hear you’re hunting the Loch Ness monster.
May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
A Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar …
and it doesn't.
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Why do tigers have stripes?
They don't want to be spotted.
A friend suggested trying a local honey for my allergies. So I did that.
Now my wife wants a divorce.
No wonder Finland won so many Formula 1 races…
They owned the Finnish line.
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I don’t.
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
Wife: I need an anagram for “Nuclear”
Me: That's unclear.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
[NSFW] I told ya mom!
911, what's your emergency? "I'm masturbating too much" Sir, that's not really a problem. "One sec. DID YOU HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE!
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him “The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren’t working”.
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.