Seen on Facebook
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread…
/r/Jokes/comments/fxvl3o/i_asked_my_friend_the_baker_what_is_the_key_to/
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges C„10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another C„10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, âFluctuations.â The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, âFluctuamelicans!â
A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells âDoctor! Doctor! I canât feel my legs!â
The doctor replies âI know, I amputated your arms.â
A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,
âPlease come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I canât for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.â Her boyfriend asked, âWhat is it supposed to be when itâs finished?â The blonde said, âAccording to the picture on the box, itâs a tiger.â Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, âFirst of all, no matter what we do, weâre not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.â He took her hand and said, âSecond, I want you to relax. Letâs have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .â he sighed, . . .âletâs put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.â
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things. The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees a nearby alien and asks, "where's the pub?" The alien gurgles back but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, "just around the corner!" The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it! It's labelled "The Keyboard" and he asks the bouncer, "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The bouncer replies, "the boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he's the bartender." So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender. "Excuse me, do you own this pub?" The astronaut says. "I do." The bartender gurgles back. "Why is it called the Keyboard?" The man asks. "Well," the alien gurgles in reply, "since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name!" The astronaut is on the edge of his seat… "The reason it's called the Keyboard is because… it's a space bar."
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I canât even remember why I was carrying it around
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow?
It's pasture bedtime
My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie âupâ
It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, âJust take your Up, vote and go.â
(Star war joke) From where did Aniken skywalker get his robotic hand?
From the second HAND shop
What do you call a kinky dinosaur?
A Doyouhaveasoreass
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: âDo you know whatâs been the best thing since I left you, itâs-â
âOh, I know. Youâve been out shagging anything that moves!â she said. âSowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what youâre all about!â â-itâs that Iâve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.â
A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.
"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner. "Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse – good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse – mostly good for companionship." "That sounds interesting. What about the one swimming in the lake over there?" the lottery winner says. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon…
I told her not to get her hopes up. "After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute." When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
Petition to lock this sub once a week
Because there's no post on Sunday
My girlfriend is very untidy and never helps clean our place. I finally snapped and told her she needed to do her share. She smiled and said…
âIf I could turn back time!!! If I could find a way!!!!"
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
My girlfriend asked to do a 69
I said "whatâs that?" she said "lay down an Iâll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "Iâm off, Iâm fucked if Iâm hanging around for another 67 of them"
I saw a homeless guy on the streets and I had 50 bucks on me…
I thought, âThisâll be wasted on drugs and booze.â So I just gave it to the homeless guy.
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who canât
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Impeccable timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.â Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!" Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."
Once youâve seen one shopping center……
Youâve seen the mall.
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
Itâs not hard.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"