Seen these for years, but still gets me everytime.
I asked this hot girl her New Years resolution
She said “fuck you” so I’m very excited for 2020
You can tell Monopoly is an old game…
…because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
I heard this guy whispering a lot of Pokemon jokes to his friend…
…but I couldn't catch them all.
Oops.. I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen records
Now I want to break three
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant…
A very arrogant man walks into a restaurant. The waiter approaches him with the menu and the arrogant man exclaims: "You are giving ME a menu?! Please man, I know it all, just bring me a fork from the kitchen." The waiter quickly goes into the kitchen and comes back with a fork, handing it to the man. The man smells the fork and says: "WOW, you have prepared a nice Crispy Panko Shrimp Salad with Walnuts tonight! I'll take that". After eating the salad the waiter approaches him again, asking what he would like for his main dish. The man arrogantly responds: "Just bring me a knife from the kitchen". The waiter goes in and fetches a knife, hands it to the man who smells it and says: "Wow, I can smell you have prepared a nice Skillet Chicken Bulgogi with Mushrooms, bring that to me". The waiter's patience is wearing thin, but without complaints he brings the man his food. Finally, for desert, the same thing happens again and the arrogant man tells the waiter to go fetch him a spoon from the kitchen. The waiter has really had it by now, and he really can't stand the man's arrogance anymore, so he goes inside the kitchen, grabs a spoon and tells one of the waitresses to rub her crotch with it. The waiter goes out the kitchen and walks up to the man's table, handing him the spoon. The man smells it, waits a second, smells it again and finally exclaims: "Hey! I had no idea Susan worked here!"
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
If you get an email with the subject “knock knock”, dont open it.
It's a Jehovah Witness working from home.
What kind of bees makes milk?
Boo-bees
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, “Hi Darlin’, I’d love to get into your pants!”
She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."
2 peanuts walked into a park
One was as-salted
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN
you get them VERY ANGRY
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket..
You can hide, but you can't run.
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
A girl told me she wanted to be “just friends”.
I said "Can we be friends with benefits?". She said "So, you just want sex?". I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
A mathematician walks into a bar, asks for a beer for himself, and then 10 beers for everyone else there.
The bartender says, “Wow! That’s a different order of magnitude.”
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview…
I didn’t get the job.